It felt so wrong, it felt so right
by SuGaRnSpIcE4222
Summary: I've saved dozens of people your age, and yet you fell through my fingers; I'm sorry, Lilly." She was unsavable, even to the people who loved her most. And those were the people who had to suffer the consequences in the end. Rated M for later chapters.
1. Anniversary

Disclaimer- I do not own, nor am I affiliated with, Dick Wolf or Law and Order and any of its affiliates in any way, shape, or form

Disclaimer- I do not own, nor am I affiliated with, Dick Wolf or Law and Order and any of its affiliates in any way, shape, or form.

Chapter One

Clear spatters of rain began to stain the 1 year old piece of stone standing two feet from the ground. The only symbol of a soul once lived and breathed, loved and laughed, experienced and roamed the earth.

Mud splatters up from the ground with each rain drop, pushing bouts of mud onto the already soaked stone. Instead of cleaning it, though, she watches the mud, and she watches the pouring rain rinse away the mud only to splash it up once again. The pattern stays the same each time it rains, never changing, not even an inch. Just like the inhabitant in the ground; never changing, not even an inch.

"It's been a whole year now, Lilly, and I still can't believe you're gone…" she whispers, touching the grave lightly with the tips of her fingers as rain taps heavily on the clear plastic raincoat.

"Are you happy where you are, Lilly, are you safe, Lilly?" These questions constantly filled her thoughts and though she always asked and asked she never got an answer. "I'm sorry, Lilly, I'm so sorry… please don't hate me…" she whispers now as her tears mix with the hundreds of thousands of rain drops accumulating around her.

A gust of wind blows through and for a split second she can almost hear Lilly's voice, can almost feel Lilly's slender arms wrapping around her waist. But alas, it's just the rain and the fact remains that she's still standing here alone where probably Lilly can't even hear her. But talking…talking helps. In fact, talking helps a lot.

"Your baby brother is one today; that's what makes today so bittersweet for me, Lilly. God took you the day he gave Adam to us. And your little brother, he's just like you; everything about him reminds me of you. His demeanor, his stance- even though he can't yet stand- his personality, they're all you, Lilly. And I miss you so much, Lilly. The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is that I know that you're with your daddy now. Well, with your other daddy; because you had one here too, and he misses you too, Lilly."

And yet, there was still just the sound of pitter patter from the rain hitting the stone. It was a terrible, lonely sound; not to hear a voice, not to feel the warmth of the person you've longed to feel. And she would never feel that person again.

"Your little brother, I nurse him like I did you when you were born. Oh I used to spend hours just holding you and rocking you, and nursing you. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world, knowing I was the one feeding you, helping you to survive. I wish you could have gotten to experience that one day, Lilly. You'd have loved that feeling and I'd have loved to have watched you with a little boy or girl of your own. You were always so good with kids, Lilly. Then again, you were pretty much good at everything. You lit up a room when you went into it, Lilly, and I always loved that about you; then again, I loved everything about you. I still do, Lilly."

Tears fell from her eyes and mixed in with the dirt that sheathed Lilly's final resting place. "I'm sorry, Lilly. I'm sorry I missed the signs, I'm sorry, Lilly, that I couldn't save you. I've been able to save dozens of people your age but you slipped through my fingers, Lilly, and I'm sorry," she cried. Guilt consumed her, pouring through her being and filling her to the brim.

And finally, she stood, looking down once again at the headstone which read, 'Lilly Belle Dutton-Goren; beloved daughter and friend, October '89- February '08.'

And with one last wiping of the tears, Alex made her way to the same black SUV that she'd had for years, climbing into the warm vehicle and driving away from the cemetery.


	2. Innocence

Chapter Two

Chapter Two

Two years Earlier-

Sweat dripped down the crevices of Lilly's neck and with one quick swipe of her towel she wiped herself free of the salty droplets of perspiration. Her chest rose and fell quickly with each heavy breath she took, exhausted and exhilarated all at the same time from her morning jog.

She stopped, putting her hands on her knees and letting her head hang down while she regained composure and waited for her father, who wasn't really her father at all; at least, not in the biological sense. But in every way that counted he was father of the year, hands down.

"I don't know why I bother trying anymore, you beat me every time anyways," Bobby said with a shake of his head, patting her back and pulling her into a hug as he came up beside her. "I'm gonna miss you kiddo," he frowned.

"Dad, I'm only gonna be three hours away. I hate to say it but you can come visit me whenever you want," Lilly smiled happily; college- now that was the biggest and most exciting thing to happen to her in her eighteen years of existence.

"Oh you hate to admit it, do you?" Bobby teased, playfully giving her a 'nooggie.'

"Yeah but seriously, I'm gonna miss you too," Lilly went in for one more big hug from her dad and then pulled apart. "Alright so umm… race ya back to the house!" she takes off running and even though he'll tease her about getting a head start, he gives her a good 15 seconds before he takes off following.

Bobby was panting by the time he reached the back door, sweat soaking his shirt as he fell into the patio chair and caught his breath. Alex walked outside with two giant glasses of fresh ice water; an activity which she'd been accustomed to doing every Saturday morning for the duo. Of course, the two had water bottles but the sun warmed the water in them and it 'just wasn't the same as mom's water,' as Lilly had put it.

Madelyn follows her mother outside. At fourteen she was a girly girl and stayed in the air condition with her mother rather than going out jogging with her father and sister. "So you excited?"

Lilly looks up from a dream like state and nods, "Yeah. A little nervous cause ya know it's my first time living away from home but it'll be cool."

Madelyn nods, "it'll be cool, I'm sure. Are you in like a coed dorm? That'd be awesome. I wonder if any hot guys are in your dorm. Maybe there's one right next door," she babbles without even first getting her answer.

"Sure am. And I've met the guy living next door; kind of cool but not dating material," Lilly chuckles.

This peeked Bobby's and Alex's attention, though, and each looked at their daughter. "Lilly have we had that talk?"

"We've had that talk. Have WE had that talk?" she smirks, looking at her mother's pregnant belly.

"We don't need that talk," Alex quips, her eyes boring into her daughter. As if to get one last glance at her before she took off to space or something. "Lilly, you know the rules, right?"

"Mom…" Lilly heaves a giant sigh and pouts.

"Lilly Belle, I'm serious. I know you're a good kid but I don't wanna send you off into the world without one last lecture. I know you hate it, but what kind of parent would I be if I didn't nail this into you?"

"A cool one?" Lilly shrugs some and sips on her water.

"Cute, Lilly, really cute. Now, seriously, Lilly, there are going to be different kinds of kids at college. And some are going to pressure you into doing things you don't want to. Remember to keep your nose clean and stay away from alcohol. Drugs and alcohol aren't something you want to get into. Don't forget, you're there to learn, not to party."

"So I can't have any fun at all?" Lilly cocks her eyebrows defiantly. She'd always been the fire out of the two.

"I'm not saying you can't have fun. You can have fun, just not with drugs and alcohol involved. Drugs and alcohol lead to more serious things, and Lilly, that's not a path you want to take. Don't forget I've"-

"I know, I know, you've seen too many good kids go bad and end up hurt because of drugs and alcohol. Mom, I get it, I'm gonna be fine. I won't get into anything like that, come on, I'm not dumb."

"I'm not saying you are. But other people are and I just worry about you." Alex insists.

"Your mom's right. We worry about you going so far away but come on! You'll be fine!" Bobby boasted, lightening up the situation between the two as he usually did. There was no sense in mother and daughter saying bon voyage with another take down, blow out argument. After all, it was just college! She was three hours away in case of emergency and she knew right from wrong!

"Dad's right. I'll be fine," Lilly says, kissing her mother's head and her father's cheek as she stands to her two feet. "Now come on, help me get my things to my car."

"We're not driving you?" Alex blinks.

"Only babies have their mommies and daddies drop them off at school. I'm a big girl and I'll see you in a couple weeks."

"Lilly I don't"-

"Come on, Alex, lets just help her get her bags to her car," Bobby whispered in a pleading tone.

Alex sighed, "I don't like the idea of not going. I want to see where she's staying and meet her roommate."

"There's plenty of time for that. It's just the beginning of the year," Bobby whispered back as he headed into the house, grabbing two hands full of luggage to bring to Lilly's Land rover.


	3. Freedom and Confidence

Thanks for Reviews

Thanks for Reviews!

Same disclaimer applies.

Chapter Three

Still two years earlier: College Check in

Lilly shifted the last suitcase from the floor to the top of her bed, turning her head when she hears someone else in the room. "Hi, I'm Lilly"

"Jenny," the brunette girl says, extending a quick hand.

Lilly smiled, "So I'm guessing we're roomies?"

Jenny nodded, "Looks that way; where are you coming' from?"

"New York City. My parents are cops there," she explains.

Jenny nodded, "Sweet. I'm from Stanton Island. My mom's a lawyer and my dad's a pediatrician."

"Awesome. So umm, what are you majoring in?" Lilly asked, pulling a dress from the suitcase and hanging it up.

"Business technology," Jenny shrugged, "Nothing major. What about you?"

"Criminal Justice; I wanna be a detective, the only problem is I don't wanna work with my parents"

"Won't that be kind of hard…? I mean where else would you work?" Jenny laughs.

Lilly shrugged, "Maybe I'll move to L.A. or to Miami or something. That'd be pretty hot."

"I guess so. Hey, ya wanna go check out the campus?"

Dropping the remainder of the clothes to put away, Lilly nods and grabs her room key. "Sure. We can grab some lunch or something too."

Jenny nods, "Sure," she smiles.

Lilly closed the door behind them both and pulled out her key, twisting it in the lock.

"I guess since we're roommates it'd be pretty stupid for me to ask for your number, right?" A suave male voice whispered from her left. "I'm Scott."

Lilly couldn't help but laugh at his cockiness. "Lilly. What was that about my number?"

"Ehh… it was nothing…"

Lilly nodded sarcastically, "Ah. I see. Well if that's you're only pick up line you might wanna work harder. Maybe hang around with someone cooler," she finished with a smirk.

"Ouch. Someone's playing hard to get"

"I'm the master, didn't you hear?"

"Sorry, someone forgot to send out the memo. Where you two ladies headed?"

"Lunch" Lilly says simply.

"Ah. Well I'm pretty hungry too"

Lilly rolled her eyes and then laughed, "Sure you can come too."

"Alright, alright, you don't have to beg…" Scott smirked, turning to follow Jenny and Lilly down the hall and out of the residence hall.

Three Months Later

Saturday night; a night of freedom- the night where they didn't have to get up early and they wouldn't have to get up early the next day, either. Homework was on hold, people were out, and parties were going on. And Jenny found herself by the girls' joint closet, rummaging through not only her clothes, but Lilly's as well.

"What's so important that you have to change 10 times?" Lilly asked, looking up from her law book. She was working diligently on a paper, as she usually did on Saturday nights.

"Party at the frat house tonight and I wanna look just right. You know, you could come with me"

Lilly shook her head; "This papers due Monday by noon. I have to finish it."

Jenny shrugged, "That leaves you tomorrow and like 3 hours on Monday. Come on, all you ever do is study, study, study."

"Uh yeah, memo, that's college life." Lilly said, rolling her eyes a bit. "Besides, that's not ALL I do. I go for jogs in the mornings with Scott and sometimes we catch movies."

"Oh sorry; you have 25 of a life; I forgot" Jenny rolled her eyes, "And come on, Lil, I don't study 24/7 and my grades are pretty good."

"B's and C's?" Lilly raised an eyebrow.

Jenny shrugged again. "Average," she explained. "Come on, you're coming with me tonight and you're gonna have fun. I'm tired of watching you sit around here. Besides, how do you plan on landing a man with all those books surrounding you?"

Lilly sighed but relented, closing her 'Introduction to Law' book and saving the paper on her laptop.

Jenny smiled and clapped. "Eee!" she squealed, "This will look PERFECT on you."

"Perfect?" Lilly smirked. Shimming out of her sweat pants and college sweat shirt, she threw the dress over her body, smoothing it out over her hips. "I guess it does look pretty good…"

"Good? That looks HOT. You're sure to get some tonight," Jenny winked, finally settling on a red and brown tube top with a matching brown skirt and boots.

"You ready?"

"Yeah, I'm ready" Lilly followed her best friend out the door.

--

Lilly was surprised to see Scott at the frat party; she'd spent quite a bit of time with him, running and talking, and they even had a couple classes together, and never did he come off at the party time. But there he was, sitting on the couch talking to a skinny, dark haired sorority type girl. She sighed some, wishing he'd look at her like he was looking at this girl, eyeing her. But she wasn't glamorous or mysterious like this girl…quite the contrary, actually.

She turned her head when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Drink?"

She didn't know the guy offering her a drink; she'd never laid eyes on him, but then, he looked older which would probably be the reason she'd never seen him around, and the reason she didn't have any classes at all with him. "No thanks, I don't drink."

"Eh come on, why else are you here? Besides, it's just one. It's not like it's going to hurt you. I'll take care of ya. My names Jake… Jake Patterson."

Lilly smiled and hesitantly took the drink from him. "I'm Lilly…Lilly Goren. Have I met you before?"

"Probably not; I'm an art history major and you don't look like the type of girl to like art history," he smiled.

Oh man his smile was so…so white and so…amazing! She bit her lip and gently shook her head, "No…No I'm a criminal justice major," she grinned.

"Ah. A crime fighter; so you're like… Superwoman with handcuffs?"

"Something like that," Lilly smirked, sipping on her drink. Her parents were wrong; this stuff was great. This drink…it was watermelon flavored, or strawberry, she couldn't tell, and it was warm going down. And the more she drank the more…free… she felt. And she loved it. This feeling of freedom and confidence, it was like no other feeling she'd ever felt before, and she didn't want it to end. So when she finished her first drink and Jake gave her another, she took it. And when that one was gone she grabbed another, and then another…


End file.
